Self-Compassion Isn’t Selfish: What It Actually Means to Be Kind to Yourself
(Spoiler: It’s Not Bubble Baths and Toxic Positivity)
If your first instinct when you make a mistake is to mentally yell at yourself like an angry sports coach... You're not alone.
If you say things to yourself like:
“Ugh, you’re such a mess.”
“Why do you always screw things up?”
“Everyone else is doing better than you.”
That’s not just a bad habit. That’s a well-worn groove your brain has learned to walk over and over: often out of survival, perfectionism, trauma, or high-pressure environments.
But here’s the truth: being hard on yourself doesn’t make you better. It just makes you scared.
Let’s talk about what self-compassion actually means, and how therapy can help you practice kindness without slipping into guilt or avoidance.
What Self-Compassion Isn’t
It’s not:
Making excuses
Avoiding responsibility
Ignoring growth
“Letting yourself off the hook”
It’s not about pretending everything’s fine or slapping a sticky note of positive affirmations over a crumbling wall of shame.
What It Is
Self-compassion is:
Speaking to yourself the way you’d speak to a struggling friend
Offering gentleness even when (especially when) you mess up
Holding space for your pain without piling on punishment
Remembering that being human = being imperfect
It’s not weakness. It’s repair.
Why It’s So Hard
If you grew up with:
Criticism disguised as “motivation”
Conditional love or approval
High achievement pressure
Emotional neglect or trauma
Then self-compassion might feel... fake. Cringe. Maybe even dangerous.
Your nervous system might register it as unfamiliar or unsafe.
And that’s okay. We go slow. We don’t force it. We practice it—one gentle moment at a time.
Self-Compassion Might Sound Like…
“This is hard. And I’m doing my best.”
“I messed up—and I’m still worthy of care.”
“I don’t have to bully myself into healing.”
“Growth doesn’t require shame. It requires support.”
You don’t have to fully believe it yet. Just try saying it out loud once. Whisper it. Write it down. Let it land.
How Therapy Helps
In therapy, we can:
Notice the voice of your inner critic - and where it came from
Practice softer language without losing accountability
Explore your resistance to self-kindness with curiosity, not pressure
Build a new inner voice that motivates through care, not fear
Self-compassion isn’t something you “achieve.” It’s something you return to - over and over, even when it’s hard.
Final Thoughts
You deserve kindness. Especially from yourself.
You deserve rest, repair, and grace when things fall apart.
You deserve to grow from love - not from shame.
If you’re tired of beating yourself up and ready to try something gentler, I’d love to support you.
Ready to start? My online calendar is now open!
You can secure your session in just a few clicks through Jane.
If you’re curious but still have questions, feel free to send me a quick note. Otherwise, book your therapy session here.
I’m looking forward to meeting you, exactly where you are.