How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Like a Bad Person
(Spoiler: Boundaries Are Love, Not Rejection)
If just the thought of setting a boundary makes your stomach twist into an origami crane: hi, welcome. You’re not alone.
Boundaries can bring up guilt, fear, people-pleasing, and that nagging inner voice that says:
“But what if they’re mad at me?”
“What if they think I’m selfish?”
“I should be able to handle it...”
The truth? Setting boundaries isn’t mean. It’s not cold. And it’s definitely not selfish.
It’s sacred. It’s kind. It’s relational oxygen.
And yes - it’s something you can learn to do without feeling like an evil ice queen in a therapy meme.
What Are Boundaries, Really?
Boundaries are the emotional, physical, and energetic limits we set to protect our well-being and honour our needs.
They might sound like:
“I’m not available to talk about that right now.”
“I need more notice for last-minute plans.”
“I love you - and I can’t take that on today.”
“No.” (Full sentence. Period. Optional smiley.)
Boundaries are how we show people the path to loving us well.
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard
For many of us (especially if you’ve experienced trauma, parentified roles, or have ADHD), boundaries were never modeled—or were actively discouraged.
Maybe you learned:
Love = self-sacrifice
Being “easygoing” = being accepted
Saying no = being rejected or punished
So when you try to set boundaries now, your nervous system lights up like, “WARNING: ABANDONMENT IMMINENT.”
You’re not weak. You’re not wrong. You’re just untangling some really old survival strategies.
How to Set Boundaries Without the Guilt Spiral
1. Start With a Soft Internal Script
“It’s okay to need something different.”
“I can love someone and still say no.”
“Boundaries are a form of honesty - not harm.”
You don’t have to believe it fully yet. Just try it on.
2. Use Clear, Kind Language
Boundary-setting doesn’t have to be rigid or cold. You can say:
“That doesn’t work for me, but here’s what does.”
“I care about this, and I also need to protect my capacity.”
“I’m not able to say yes to this right now.”
You can be firm and warm. Direct and compassionate. A tender badass.
3. Expect Some Discomfort (But Not Disaster)
It’s okay to feel guilty at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing harm, it means you’re doing something new. You’re allowed to rewire what “being a good person” actually looks like.
Spoiler: “Good people” have boundaries. Healthy relationships require them.
4. Notice Who Respects Them - and Who Doesn’t
Your boundaries might make some people uncomfortable. That’s okay.
The people who love you will adapt. The ones who don’t? That’s information.
Boundaries don’t ruin relationships. They reveal them.
Final Thoughts
You’re not “too much” for having needs. You’re not “too sensitive” for saying no. You’re not selfish for choosing yourself sometimes.
You are allowed to protect your energy. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to take up space.
And if that still feels hard? That’s what therapy is for.
If you’re working through people-pleasing, burnout, or boundary guilt, I’d love to support you. Book a free consultation or join the waitlist and let’s start making space for you.